?

Log in

No account? Create an account
signaltosilence's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
signaltosilence

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

remember me? []
Man, it has been a while. I suppose college does that to you. Funny, with all the free time I have, I have no time for anything.

College is...all right. It is a lot worse than what I expected, but then, I did not know what to expect. Friends wise I could not have asked for better. I have a nice stable group of friends and many people I can go and chat with if I feel the need to talk to someone else. That is good, I guess.

On the bad side, I really do hate it here. I want to go back to Europe really badly. My habits have only grown worse here. I smoke a little less but I still get high every night. I cannot sleep, I am letting school slip away, and one of my best friends here left not too long ago. One of my fish died today, as well. Dead fish are never fun.

RIP CUNT :: sniffle::
2 thoughtss|comments

college update: not such good times. []
Soo...I am finally settled in college. It was pretty damn fun for the first two days and nights. It was a blast. Now, it is not so much fun. My friends and I just got busted for having alcohol which is strongly prohibited by the school. I have to go stand trial tomorrow, I think. Security said it would be in a few days then he said it would be tomorrow. It was bound to happen but on the third day? That is bullshit. And it was over a dumb fucking thing, too. That is what pisses me off the most. The great ride we were having just crashed and burned in our face and it is such a horrible come down. I fear our room is gone, which was the best part about it and two of the most awesome guys on campus(two of my friends who got caught) are now thinking of transferring and it is a high possibility. It just makes me depressed. I know we risked it by doing it and all but...fuck. It is the only thing I can possibly say. Fuck. Hopefully it will smooth out. We are going to start going into the city this week anyway. Hitting up shows and raves will make it better.
2 thoughtss|comments

well, shit []
I am moving after tomorrow. I leave Thursday morning. Tomorrow is my last day to see everyone I need to and still get some last minute shit done. As I predicted the depression has set in. Through out the day I drifted in and out of spirit until I broke down a little while ago. I actually cried about leaving, which is so mind blowing because 1. I HATE it here and 2. I fucking rarely cry.

But I realize now, that as much as I hate it here, I really wouldn't want to choose another place to be for hte past whatever years. The friendships I have made are more than I could have ever hoped for and the friendships that I am in the process of making are that much better.

That is why it is hard to leave. It is the frienships. The thought of not having Duane around hurts, the thought that my frienship with Ken and the others is not going to get to the point where I would have liked it to be, hurts. But that is life I guess, and life hurts.

Tomorrow is the last day I get to spend with my dog. That hurts the most. I love the little guy. He is what taught me responsibility when I had none and showed me I could love something(which for all my life I thought was not possible, not even my parents). I know he will be well cared for, my mom adores him adn he adores her but waking up without the little warmth on my stomach is going to be so odd. And I wont be there when he comes in to go to bed.

The fact that last night was the last practice I was going to attend of my friend's band hurts, as well. I know that I am going to go on tour with them this January(European tour, nothing big) doesn't bring me much comfort at the moment. I am still going to be part of the team but being far away is going to be hard to adjust to. I'm partly doing this for them anyway. I am taking managment, I need that to take them to the next level.

Fuck, I'm rambling. I know I'm going to love it there, and I know I'll make incredible friends, but until I get there and am in the situation everything is going to hurt.
5 thoughtss|comments

BLUE HAIR! []
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

that's right bitchesCollapse )
22 thoughtss|comments

what do you think? to dye blue or no? []
Ok, so I just bleached some of my hair so I can dye it blue but I kind of like it like it is. What do you guys think? Keep it like this or go with the blue?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
BLUE OR BLEACHCollapse )
12 thoughtss|comments

To move back to Europe or no []
I think, by the time I actually move to New York, I am going to be dead. These are my last 5 days in California and I do not have a shread of open time. And I still have to make flyers for my friend's band! And find time to dye some of my hair. Woe is me!

But New York here I come! It is somewhat odd, two weeks ago I was dreading going, now, I am so excited for it. Once Wednesday hits(my last day) I think I will be depressed again. I can't believe I am leaving my doggy behind. This is so sad. The only reason I plan to come visit for the holidays is him. lol

I think, in January, I will be moving back to Europe. Denmark, more specifically. I was thinking of either England, Poland, Germany, or Denmark and I think Denmark will win out. It is still up in the air though, if college goes well enough here I might stick around for 2 or 4 more years before I leave.
6 thoughtss|comments

Jeezy Creezy!!!!!!!! []
The differences between you and me:

I do not pronounce the 'r' or 'er' words. Instead of ever, I say, eva.
I pronounce the h on the word 'herbs' because, in the words of Eddie Izzard, "there is a bloody h in the word"
I call cigaretts fags and I use the world, love.
I have trouble on 'th' words and my 'S' is more harsh then the English one.
When I am not thinking about what I am saying I will probably answer you in either Polish or German.

So, that is me, I have a slight English accent(watered down by years living in America) and my mind still thinks in my two native tongues(more Polish than German)

It's just a difference really. NO reason to call attention to it when I speak or give me that odd look! It is called an accent, people have them! You have one to me! That is how it goes! Mine happens to be mixed since I lived everywhere when I was a child. Sorry if that seems alien to you!

Yes, this comes from a situation about my accent that happened today!

I bought, blue hair dye. I just have to go out and bye some bleach. I am praying my hair will be able to get through the bleaching. I feel rather sorry for my hair, it goes through so many dye jobs in close proximitys, does not seem fair. This, will be my last bleach in a few months. I swear it! I'll just keep using the blue when the color begins to fade.
3 thoughtss|comments

[]
Just came back from a camping trip. It was lovely, for the most part. I fell on some pretty sharp rocks trying to protect my dog(which I did, he is fine) but I really managed to fuck up my knee. It is fine now. It was worth it, I could never allow my little guy to get hurt.

So, while I was sitting on the couch while everyone else went out and did foresty stuff(It was in a cabin) I decided to draw out my character Bren from one of my stories. Here is the finished colored version:

Is There a Problem Officer?Collapse )
4 thoughtss|comments

random picture post []
I was looking for pictures to put on my forming web page and came across some I really liked. None are recent. I still had blonde hair in there. Wow. There are a lot. You have been warned.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
His pink phase

Boom BabyCollapse )
5 thoughtss|comments

I love people who can just read me []
I have this wonderful friend whom I have just taken for granted since the day I met him. He reads me when no one else can. Today, he found me in a park that I like to spend time in. He approached me and I told him to fuck off, like I normally would tell anyone approaching me. Most of my friends would roll their eyes and ask me why they bother to be my friend since I always treat them like shit. Not him. Nope, he sits down on the grass next to me and starts to tell me about his walk over. I tell him to shut up becuase he is annoying me and he continues to tell me about his whole day. I'm not listening and he knows but he continues on. I love that. I love that he understands I do not put effort into my relationships. I give whatever I want and he accepts the little that I give. He is not scared to not listen to my harsh snaps and does as he pleases. When I do do something nice he does not act shocked and comment on it, he just accepts it and moves on. I know he appriciates it inside but he does not blow it up. We just work.

On the down side, I think the fucker gave me mono. He sneezed on me and he has it. If I got it from him-I will get soemone to hit him. It might just be an after effect of the shot though.

On another note:

tokyoskylight rocks my socks off.
10 thoughtss|comments

Don't you F*cking hate it! []
My day was ruined today when four people who are not even my friends got way too into my buisness.

They had the damn nerve to contact my psychiatrist about me having a fucking eating disorder. To clear things up, my psychiatrist has contact with each of my good friends, and my rents, so they can discuss my progress in therapy. She calls any of them periodically to see how I have been acting and to see if what I am telling her is true(about my progress). One of my friends gave one of these girls the number(everyone is denying doing it).

So, I got a call from my psychiatrist and now I have to battle this accusation. I know she will not believe me when I tell her I do not have one. I just came out of having anorexia and the recent weight gain from my pills will appear a perfect insentive to go back into it.

I have been with these girls that have called a total of 3 times. That is all. Each time was for some kind of lunch or dinner. 2 of the times we(and other friends who invited them) went to taco bell. I NEVER eat at fast food places. Ever. I think they are disgusting and I would never touch the food no matter how hungry I was. As such, I did not order anything when everyone else did. The third time we went out to The Olive Garden. I had some of the salad and a bread stick. I had no more because I was feeling ill. Not soon after I got up and walked to the bathroom. I a was in there for a while splashing water of my face because I was feeling very faint. One of the girls walks in to "check on me" and notices me splashing the water on my face. I guess she thought it was me trying to clean up after throwing up. She goes something like, "wow, couldn't even handel that?" and as a joke I said, "yea, need to keep my figure somehow." Safe to say, she took it the wrong way.

Now I have to deal with this bullshit!!!
8 thoughtss|comments

[]
I got the shot and for the moment I feel fine. I felt horrible when I first recieved it which freaked me out but the doctors told me that , that was probably the reaction I was going to get and not to worry much now that something did occur. I still need to be monitored, though. It is so odd having someone always here with me when I am used to always being alone.

America's Next Top Model is awesome, as always. My friends tell me I should try out for the next one if they have it. I just might!! Depending on the time. Seeing what they go through, I think I could do it. I doubt I would win, but I think I could get somewhat hight up there. It would be fun to do.


Look what else I do when I have nothing to do!
It fits me!!!Collapse )
2 thoughtss|comments

Some positive thoughts would be nice []
I went to the doctors on Tuesday. I had to wait about an hour and a half-2 hours before I got to see my doctor. There was a surprise birth or some shit, something to do with a baby. Anyway, I was actually fine with waiting, I brought a good book with me(Catch 22) so I was content. I was content until a mother brought in a little girl. At first she stared at me from a long time from across the room. I managed to ignore it, at first. In time, it began to annoy the hell out of me. Then, as I glanced up periodically, I noticed she was closer and closer to me. Suddenly she was right next to me. Her mom called her over though. Then it started again!! but this time when she reached me she fucking poked me hell of hard in the ribs making me jump! I was so mad!!

Anyway.
Tomorrow I have to get a meningitus shot. I am very worried about it. My brother got it in 2002 and he passed away two days later. There never found an official cause for his death but it is suspected he had some kind of allergic reaction to this shot. I was not going to get it and go to college risking my odds. Problem is, New York requires the shot. So I must get it. I am going to be under constant supervision for 2-3 days after I get it. Hopefully all goes well. I get to watch the marathon of Americas Next Top models undisturbed though. That is good.
4 thoughtss|comments

[]
One more month and I am moving to New York. To be honest, I am somewhat becoming hesitant about it. I was so sure of my decision and now all the sudden I am doubting it. Last night, I was out with a few of my friends(who I claim to hate and they know it), we were occupying this little cornered off children's corner at the park. All we did was simply sit about on the swings and play structure and look at the stars(getting high, of course). It was really nice. And for a moment, I somewhat looked around at everyone and realized that, I will miss them. I thought I was going to be able to pack up my things and that would be that. The only thing I would miss would be my Dog(which I cant even think about leaving without getting tears in my eyes). I think, I may actually like my friends. I know none of us will stay in contact, well, I will with Duane and Matt, but everyone else will eventually fade out of my life forever. That does sadden me, it was not supposed to. All I do is bitch about how much they piss me off and annoy me and how much they waste my time. I tell them I wish they were out of my life all the time, and I really really do mean it but now, I guess I don't. Maybe since moving is not half a year away anymore it is starting to sink in that I am actually leaving. Ugh!

I got my schedule in the mail:
Preceptorial: Search for a better life(which is mandatory and somewhat interesting)
Russian History to 1917(European History was full so I opted for this one)
Intermediate German(which is dumb! I wanted to be in Introductory but they would not allow me to since I can speak it. I CAN'T WRITE IN IT)
Introduction to Marketing(which I need if I am to major in Communications, which I might do)
2-Dimensional Design(for my art major)

All the really good classes are full. Especially all the English ones I wanted to take. Next Semester i am going to go beg teachers to allow me into classes.
2 thoughtss|comments

Another reason why people are idiots and I should be a hermit. []
QUOTE FROM AN ACTUAL PERSON ON THE BART THIS MORNING

I had to haul my foreign ass to Concord today to meet with a friend. It was pretty early in the morning so, as always, the BART was full. I took a seat in an empty row which was soon occupied by a black woman with horribly over fried hair and scary make up. She smelled to but I am not sure if I can place the smell. Anyway, on the way there I take out this packet of pictures I was taking to give to my friend. About 4 of those were of him kissing his boyfriend. When I get to one(which is damn hot) I kind of pause and glance at it a while. Suddenly I hear this grunt from the woman next to me. I look up to see why she did that and there she is, looking at my pictures with a disdainful look upon her incredibly big head.

THIS IS OUR CONVERSATION!
her:"Them be fags?"

me:"No, you can't smoke them." (I grew up with Fag meaning cigarette and I go by that meaning when I hear it).

She gives me an odd look. "What?"

"Never mind."

We stop talking for a while and for a second I think it is over. I was wrong.

"You know fags?"

"What do you think I do? Go about randomly taking pictures of two gay men kissing?"

"You know God hates gay people."

"I don’t think he does."

"He do."

"No, they are too fashionable to hate."

"Satan is gay, that's why god hates them."

"All right. Satan was gay. Gay people will burn in the depts of hell of all eternity and you can sit next to God and laugh at their pain in all your straight glory. Have fun with that."

We stopped talking after that. I just cannot believe her validation for gay people being bad is that Satan is gay. This is the second or third person I have come across that stated this! What is wrong with people? If you hate gay people, fine. I could care less now a days. It is something I come across far too often even though San Francisco is where I am. I just wish people did not think of such idiotic reasons to make themselves feel better about hating someone.
12 thoughtss|comments

[]
An amazing thing occurred today. At 11 o clock today I actually FELL ASLEEP! So, you might be asking why I am awake at 1:25 in the morning. I’ll tell you. Four, FOUR, goddamn sons of bitches call me JUST to tell me they are on an E trip and wish I was there. The fuckers WOKE me up on the ONE night I am getting sleep!

Now, of course, I am not tired at all and know I will not be getting sleep....again!

On another note.
If any of you know what song these lyrics belong to PLEASE tell me. I have been looking for it forever and I NEED to find it

On the day, the day the earth stood still, It’s getting dark stand a little closer, yesterday he white power fell but the snow did not melt in the sun


ps. Emphasized words in the form of capital letters are awesome!
3 thoughtss|comments

[]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com


He founder her in a field of grass, slowly kicking her legs to and fro in the gentle wind. She harbored the innocence of a child though, with a single glance, one could see she had left the days of her youth.

A smile graced her lips as though she did not notice the distruction and darkness around her. The grass had died and grown brittle, the trees were bare, and the sky, which she ocassionaly glanced at, was dark and covered by an eerie mist that somehow seemed to have eyes of it's own and watched everything that occured below.

Nothing seemed to fighten or daunt her. She simply sat there and hummed her whimsical tone, one he would later learn was her tragic melody.

This was Athea.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For my summer writing program we had to translate one section of any of our pieces into a drawing. I chose the introduction to Athea since she is one of my favorite characters.

Note: first time attempting to draw anime and it was done on the computer. ^_^
2 thoughtss|comments

Rant. []
All right. My smiley time has come to an abrupt and unpleasant end. It has been stolen from me by inane, spit guzzling, chocolate milkshake loving assholes! You know who you are, you also do not read this lj so you will never read that insult.

I was happy. I was truly, blissfully, insanely happy these last few weeks. Why was it stripped away from me!! Why did people have to TAKE it from me. I go about my life causing little harm or damage to anyone(unless my temper gets out of hand). I stick to myself and the few people I have given the title of friend. Life is good that way. Life is bearable that way.

I did something stupid though. The blame is on me as well. Shame on little Polish me. I actually went out and socialized this week. I allowed my friends to drag me by my hand and introduce me to what the world calls society. I thought, with my new- improved- image of the world and myself I could possibly blend in with the crowds, instead of disdainfully watching from a distance, constantly glancing at a clock to see when I could leave. Dumb little me!

Being in society’s circle only served to remind me exactly why I chose a life of solitude. Once again I will happily indulge myself in: books, films, and the internet in order to distance myself from the disgusting mass that people are supposed idolize and adore, that people are supposed to want to be part of!

It seems that my apathy is far gone and not likely to come back so, in order to NOT get my emotions in an uproar I will forever stay the fuck away from people. Especially those dirty smile stealers!!!

On an ending note. I hate how little suicidal cunts im me and act like I am their personal psychiatrist. I do not care about their fucking issues. I do not care that daddy beats them and mommy ignores them. It sucks for them, it really does. Sorry, but I no longer wish to hear, or understand, a world that drives people to want to kill themselves. I drift in and out of that world in a daze and the less time I spend in it the better.
4 thoughtss|comments

[]
I went to an art sale today. Which was basically my friend(who is probably the most talented uncredited artist out there) selling his things for some nice decent prices. He asked a few of my other friends and me if we wanted him to sell some of our things, as well. I said yes.

So, I was sitting around playing Tetris on my (color) gameboy and I notice this shadow suddenly cover me. I pause my game, look up, and there are 3 people standing in front of me. I somewhat smile(I tired) and ask if I can help them. And I somewhat had my first interview(haha)

Guy: I really like your style
Me: Thanks.
Guy: Kind of disturbing
Me: Yea. It happens.
Guy: I wish I could do things like this. You guys are talented. If I typed your names on the internet would I find anything about you?
Me: Possibly some blogs about how to mix drugs -Pause- the *right* way. (lots of drug refrences the past few days)
Guy(with a smile): Always good to know
Me(awkwardly): ...yesss.
Guy: So, where do you get your inspiration?
Me: ::shrug:: images pop into my head and if I don't get them out, I will go insane. (was being serious)
Guy: So, this is a way to keep your sanity ::laughs::(not taking my seriousness to heart)
Me: .....
Guy: So, what made you start painting?
Me: To escape reality.

It gets boring from here.
It was interesting!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
I should get paid for people writing on my stomach(skinny puppy is my nickname which has nothing to do with the band, skinny puppy. they are awesome though)
You cant see my ribs anymore. I hate my medication.
11 thoughtss|comments

No, I don't know what it is []
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I want one. I want one. I want one.
It is the most disgustingly adorable thingy I have ever laid my eyes on. I simply adore hairless creatures(like the hairless dog breed). It is so repulsive that it begs to be cuddled and adored. I would do both. I would cuddle it and smother it with my suppressed nice feelings.
8 thoughtss|comments

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]